


Sin Wagon

by MadameHardy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crockertier, F/M, Grimbark, allusions to canon relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 16:21:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5672422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadameHardy/pseuds/MadameHardy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What was going on in Jade's and Jane's heads when they were evil?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sin Wagon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sixaola](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sixaola/gifts).



> Because of the way that time and narrative unwind and rewind themselves in Homestuck, putting Jade's and Jane's viewpoints in internal chronological order is hopeless. I chose to try to interleave them to give some variety. In addition, I gave myself the luxury of providing scene titles, even though the Exiles are no longer narrator/observers by this era in Homestuck.
> 
> Prompt: "Jane and Jade being controlled is one of my favorite parts, so I would like something related to how these two felt while it was happening and what they did. I would really like something kinda dark or mysterious, and feel free to add any other character you want!."

JADE: BE GRIMBARK.

Wow.

You never realized just how annoying being nice was until you tried being evil. Rose should have _told_ you. Bad Rose, worst friend.

Out of the greenhouse, into the jungle, this plant is carnivorous!!!

Why did you have to mention meat? You're starving. And you can't eat ~~your friends~~ the Condesce's subjects. There are limits. Onward!

No more nice! No more telling Dave his raps are hot when they're full of dicks! And you mean literally full of dicks, and if you hear one more dick joke you may stuff Dave's dick right down his ...

JADE: EXECUTE ORDERS.

Abort that. You have a Mission. Your Mission is not to obliterate Dave. Which is good, because ... because it's not the Condesce's will, that's why! And if there's one thing you are, it's an obedient DogWitchFirstGuardianDreamselfSprite. Hmm. That might actually be five things, but never mind! You don't care! You don't HAVE to care! Consistency was for Nice Jade, and Nice Jade was bullshit!

The Condesce is pretty fucking flexible, and you like it that way. You have a mission, but how you achieve it is entirely yours to determine! Any fuckasses who don't like it can suck it, because you are GRIMBARK JADE and you're the most powerful, most evil thing in Paradox Space! Nyahahawoofhahahawoof!!!

Wow, you are never doing that again. Make a note. Grimbark Jade doesn't actually forget anything, but you still like notes. Especially if you can put hearts in.

note ♥ no evil laughs ♥

Like that.

* * *

JANE: BE CROCKERTIER.

All at once everything is simple. You like simple. An expert businesswoman reduces complexity in order to increase production, and that requires ruthless efficiency! You are remarkably ruthless. You were always supposed to be ruthless, and now, as ruthless goes, you are simply the best there is. You ground your ruths into dust, sprinkled them on cupcakes, and sold them to an unsuspecting populace at a sizable profit! Note how being businesslike and being ruthless are synergistic goals. 

Mission 1 is simple. ~~Subdue Jake by all means necessary, then fondle his booty. Forecast year-upon-year growth of booty-fondling–~~

JANE: BE PROFESSIONAL.

You are a serious businesswoman. You always execute your CEO's plans in an expeditious fashion. Business before pleasure, and if business becomes a pleasure, that is merely because you are the ultimate professional.

You place a temporary hold on Mission 1. On to the next mission, with an option to purchase all outstanding shares of Mission One at a later date!

* * *

 

JADE: FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO FIRST.

Space is your racket, not Time. You are going to do spacey stuff, and you are going to do it in whatever order you feel like. Suck it, Time!

JADE: DISPOSE OF OPPOSITION.

To your scattered planets go!  
–Troll Oscar Wilde

* * *

JANE: ECTOBIOLOGIZE.

Unfortunately, you cannot read this due to a critical stardust clog.

* * *

JADE AND JANE: UNITE.

Her Imperious Condescension demands the retrieval of the Genesis Frog. See to this in the most ruthless and efficient manner possible. Grimbark, ruthless, and efficient.

* * *

JANE: EDUCATE.

Brief Karkat and Kanaya on mid-course correction. Lay out Karkat's and Kanaya's job responsibilities under the new management. 

* * *

KARKAT AND KANAYA:

Reject the new management.

* * *

JANE: EXECUTE.

You are a ruthlessly efficient businesswoman, and you pierce right through any roadblocks. E.g. Karkat.

* * *

KARKAT: DIE.

Karkat cannot answer you as he is too busy being –

KARKAT: REVIVE.

–whoops, apparently you aren't dead. Traumatized, though. Definitely traumatized.

* * *

JANE: ADDRESS KARKAT AND KANAYA.

GG: I trust we have all learned a profitable lesson.

* * *

JOHN: DO THE MYSTERIOUS THING.

GG: what the fuck john

* * *

JADE: DEAL WITH ROXY.

Her Imperious Condescension wants you to go deal with Roxy. You have never actually met Roxy, so this should be lots of fun!! Er, grimbark. Definitely grimbark.

...

Wow! Death threats are fun, too! Rose, you have been holding out! You have been a very bad friendallychum.

note never talk like john again ever :-( 

JADE: CONTINUE TO DEAL WITH ROXY.

Roxy is pretty damn hot. Make a note!!

note roxy is pretty damn hot! pencil in flirtation?

Enough. Be professional. Put the ~~hot~~ Rogue in her place. Demand that she produce the Matriorb.

JADE: CONTINUE CONTINUING TO DEAL WITH ROXY.

GG: god fucking damn it john

* * *

JOHN: DO THE MYSTERIOUS THING.

GG: egbert you fuckass im going to deal with you once and for all

JOHN: FAIL AT BEING EVIL.

You succeed at failing.

* * *

JADE: DEAL WITH JOHN.

You fail at succeeding. 

GG: fuck you john fucking stay put  
GG: don't make me–

Too late. He's gone. But look. There's Dave. Full power to the grimbark engines!

 

JADE: DEAL WITH DAVE.

Dave is the actual worst. Dave is bullshit. Your Guardian should have seen that from _space_. (The Guardian part of you did see it from space, but if it is not relevant to your safety or to the end of the universe, he doesn't give a shit. **It's the end of the universe now, Guardian part!** Woof.) 

JADE: MAKE HIM PAY.

Your assignment is to level up Dave's fighting skills. Dave is godtier. Therefore, should you happen to accidentally mutilate Dave, it would not be a problem for long. You can work with that. Grimbark Jade is stern and dignified and therefore will not allude to any previous romantic shenanigans.

JADE: FAIL TO NOT ALLUDE TO SHENANIGANS.

Relationships are hard, and Dave certainly doesn't understand.

JADE: KILL MAYOR.

You kill the mayor, demonstrating to ~~Dave~~ one and all your commitment to performing any action, no matter how evil, in the pursuit of your Condesce-appointed goals. Woof!

* * *

DAVE: RESCUE MAYOR.

Never gonna give you up,  
Never gonna let you down into lava.  
–Troll Gilbert and Sullivan

  


GG: why is being a bad guy SO HARD?

* * *

JOHN: DO THE MYSTERIOUS THING.

Zap.

* * *

JADE: FAIL TO KILL MAYOR.

At least you avoided the relationship discussion.

* * *

DAVE AND MAYOR: BE VAGUELY RELIEVED.

You aren't entirely sure why.

* * *

JANE: DEAL WITH JAKE.

 ~~Evaluate that booty. Sweet.~~ Lay out the Batterwitch's requirements, in a professional and businesslike manner–

Stop kidding yourself. Lay out your requirements, which _simply happen_ to be synergistic with the Batterwitch's.

JANE: ADDRESS JAKE.

Admire the booty. Brief ~~remarkably brief~~ the booty on ~~your~~ the Batterwitch's hostile acquisition. Forecast the multiplicative–and pleasurable, because you're that kind of businesswoman–impacts on yourself, the booty, and the booty's children. 

* * *

JAKE: DO THE PAGEY THING.

You do nothing constructive.

 

* * *

JANE: COMBAT YOUR ~~FRIENDS~~ TARGETS.

Down they go like skittles. If you played skittles, which of course you don't, since you are an efficient businesswoman with no time to waste. Contrary to your forecast, Roxy impedes the successful execution of your plan. You cannot tolerate insubordination. You downsize. 

* * *

VRISKA: DO THE SLEEPY THING.

You do the sleeeeeeeepy thing. 

* * *

JANE: CONFRONT VRISKA.

Down you go like a skittle.

* * *

JADE: CONFRONT VRISKA.

As you struggle against the inevitable, you have time for one last thought.

GG: this is bullshit

* * *

NORMAL JANE: WAKE UP.

GG: Oh, no! I killed Karkat! And I tried to kill Jake! And then I did kill Roxy! This is terrible! 

* * *

NORMAL JADE: WAKE UP.

GG: this is bullshit

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to edenfalling for beta. All remaining infelicities are mine alone.


End file.
